The Pregnancy Panic
by LuminaCarina
Summary: When James learns his beloved Lily is pregnant, he seeks the wise advice of his friends. Sadly, his friends are neither wise nor do they care about James' delicate psyche. Or, Lily gets pregnant and the marauders are completely lost. BONUS CHAPTER: Lily's reaction to James' groveling!
1. Four Idiots and a Baby

**Now, this just happened. I apologize for it's randomness and stupidity. Please review.**

**Oh, and I own nothing.**

James Potter was panicking. His newly-wedded wife had just informed him that she was pregnant, and he had no idea what to do.

(''I'm pregnant, Jay.''

''What?''

''I'm carrying a baby.''

''Huh?''

''You're going to be a father, James.''

James stared at her with a dazed expression, giving new meaning to the phrase 'deer in the headlights'. Lily huffed.

''There's a bloody little person inside of me and you put it there, you dolt! Now say something!''

James feinted.)

''I'm not ready for this, Paddy! It's a bloody kid, not an owl, and I'm gonna mess this up so fucking bad, drop it or forget to feed it, or something, and then Lily'll kill me and wear my bollocks as earrings and-''

SLAP!

''For the love of Merlin, Morgana and Mordred, Prongs! Calm down, will you?'' Sirius glared at his best friend, wanting nothing more than to smack him one more time.

''I can't calm down! I'm nineteen, Lily's twenty, and we're having a bloody brat! And did you just slap me?'' James touched his reddend cheek, absolutely shocked.

''Nooo, pfffffttt... As if I'd do that to you, Prongsy, buddy, mate, beloved brother mine...'' Sirius shifted around, searching for a way out.

Remus, who was lazing in a comfy-looking armchair, turned the page of his new history book and shamelessly betrayed his friend and sort-of-boyfriend. ''He did.''

''Shut up Moony!'' The dog animagus quickly screeched, and turned to his brother in all but blood. ''No hard feelings, yeah? You really needed it, Jamesy, you were freaking out.''

James had an unreadable look in his eyes. ''I was, wasn't I?''

Sirius almost sighed in relief. ''Yeah, mate, you were. But luckily my awesome self was there to pull your head out of your-''

SLAP!

''What the Hell was that for!?'' He held his hand to his aching face, not even trying to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. He actually played the pain up a little for extra simpathy.

Having had years of seeing the literal puppy-eyes, James wasn't having any of it.''You slapped me.''

''Well you were running around like a headless chicken! Someone needed to! Remy here would've done it but I was closer. 'Sides, I owed you one for the Cassie incident.'' It was almost disturbing how fast he went from hurting to vindictive.

''What Cassie incident?''

''The one from sixth year, with the pillow and the elf and the flobberworms! I can't believe you forgot about it!'' The one girl he never got the chance to date, and it was beacuse of James!

''That was ages ago! You can't still be sore about that!''

''Can too. She was drunk, Prongs, drunk! And Emmy was there as well! I could've-'' A threesome! Prongs had cost him a threesome with the closet pervert Dorcas and the ever-frigid Vance! If he loved James any less than he did, they would never have found his body.

Mostly because Sirius would've killed him while he was in his deer form, and since no one knew they were animagi... Well, the aurors wouldn't be looking for a stag, now would they?

Remus had finally had it with their stupid nonsense. ''Shut UP, both of you! And you call yourselves adults?''

''I think they're adults, Moony.'' Peter called out shyly.

''Stay out of this, Wormy.'' Sirius snapped.

''Well I agree with Pete, I'm married, and-'' James argued back heatedly.

''I said SHUT UP!'' Remus banged his book on the coffe-table. ''ALL OF YOU!''

''Woah...'' That was one of the more impressing explosions Moony had.

''Now that you're all quiet, we can talk like normal people. You're married, James. I'm sure you can deal with a baby. What I want to know is, how did you react when Lily told you?'' Remus directed a concerned look at James, knowing that his friend didn't usually thing his actions through.

''I...'' James paled. ''Merlin's pants!''

''Prongs...'' The rest of the marauders blanched at his look of fearful trepidation, and Remus whispered. ''You didn't.''

''I did.'' The bespectacled man hung his head.

''You're doomed.'' Sirius summed it up in the easiest was possible. His solemn voice and face were given away, though, by his maliciously dancing eyes.

''I know.'' Oh Merlin, was he going to start sniveling or something?

''Godric, James.'' Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. ''All right, this is what you'll do. You will go back home and apologize to Lily. You will beg for forgiveness on your knees if that's what it takes, and once she's forgiven you, you will grovel some more. You hear me?''

''Loud and clear, Moony. But. But, what am I supposed to do about the kid?''

''You shouldn't worry so much, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful-''

''Yeah, yeah. Save your breath, Moony. We all know the poor shmuck'll be a momma bear once he gets his bearings back. What I wanna know is, who gets to name the kid?'' Sirius interrupted, eager and bouncing up and down.

''Well Lily's wanted to-''

Sirus bulldozed over him though, not caring in the least what the red-head wanted. ''Because I think it should be the godfather to bestow the name upon the precious fruit of your and Lily's love and loins. In fact, I have several names I want to run by you. What do you think about Hunter?''

James took offence to that. ''Who says you get to be godfather? And Hunter? What kind of name is that?'' He demanded of the universe.

''You siriusly didn't just-'' Grey eyes narrowed dangerously.

''Oh yeah? What if I did?'' The chaser taunted.

''Why does Sirius get to be the godfather?'' Peter frantically asked.

Sirius was very close to breathing fire at this point. ''Of course I will be the godfather! That's a given! How can you even-''

''Well I can! Moony's a much better choice, and Lily will-''

''Lily, Lily, Lily! Everythings about your darling Lily-flower, isn't it?''

''ENOUGH!'' Remus roared. ''Why can't you just be quiet for once!''

''He wants to make Wormy the godfather!''

''I do not! You take that back!''

Wormtail was barely holding back tears. ''What's so wrong about me!?''

A flick of Moony's hand and little twirl with a wand later, the three idiots were rolling on the floor, rubbing their bruised asses and muttering curses.

''I don't care who gets to be godfather! I care that you're interrupting me while I'm reading, though! If you don't shut up and calm down, I'm kicking you all out into the streets, and you can continue fighting in the rain.''

''Sorry, Moony.''

''Yeah, sorry.''

Remus, James and Sirius were staring at Peter, and the latter two were also trying to pinch each other without Moony seeing it.

''But I didn't do anything!'' Peter protested.

Twin glares pierced him, promising painful, humiliating death.

Peter cracked. ''Okay fine. I'm sorry, Moony.''

''There. Was that so hard?'' Remus' rethorical question was answered with mutinous grumbling.

''Are you calm now?'' He continued, and this time everybody nodded without any comments. This was enough for Remus to move on with his advice-giving.

''Good. Now, James. You don't have to pick the godfather right away, but the sooner you do it, the sooner I can have some peace. Sirius, if you imply that you'll be the godfather one more time, I swear on Morgana's left tit you'll be sleeping on the couch for a month. And Peter, no one is saying you're a bad choice for a godfather. I'm sure Padfoot and Prongs didn't mean what they said, right?'' He finished with a sweet smile that frightened them to the core.

''Right.'' They said in unison.

''Good. Now get out of my house.''

Sirius' mouth dropped open. ''But Moony, I live here, too!''

''For the rest of the day, you don't. Leave.'' Remus was already back in his favourite chair, waving off James and Peter.

''Fine, fine. I'll get you back for this, though''

''I'm sure you will, Padfoot.''

**So, some reviews would be appreciated.**

***hint, hint***


	2. How Harry got his name

**This one is for EmeraldGrey123, who asked for a chapter with Lily's reaction after James came to grovel. I'm sorry, I wanted to make it funny and light, but something just wouldn't let me.**

**I hope it's not too sad, because I tried to make it as happy as possible. Still, reviews would be nice.**

**Again, I don't own Harry Potter.**

Lily glared.

Marlene glared.

Emmeline glared.

Amelia glared.

Dorcas winked.

Alice smiled sadly.

And James cringed.

Merlin, why was he here? His wife and her friends were scary. He should have stayed far, far away.

He tried to say something, but all he could think of were polar bears. And dragons. And how similar to a Chinese Fireball Lily was. He was so dead.

Alice, the gods bless her, tried to break the ice. ''Hey, James. How are you?''

He opened his mouth to answer, but Lily didn't let him.

''Yes, Jay, how are you? How was your day? Oh wait, I know what it was like. You learnt you were going to become a father, feinted, then ran off, all of it without a single word to me about how I was, was I okay, was the baby okay?'' She stared at him furiously, her cheeks a violent red. Throughout her entire speach her volume had been steadily rising, and she finished with that high-pitched shriek only she and Padfoot could pull off.

Speaking of Padfoot...

''Helloooo, Lily-bug! Your favourite puppy is back and wishing for some of that delicious pumpkin pie of yours! Truly Lily, yours is the greatest-'' He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the legion of angry women drinking tea in the living room. ''Oh.''

James rubbed the back of his neck, wanting nothing more than to have the ground open up and swallow him whole.

Lily appeared to be wishing for the same. ''Where were you, James?'' She hissed out.

Oh shite. The full name. He gulped.

''I went to Remus', Lily-pad, to-to, to visit him! Yeah, I went to visit him, because he gets so terribly lonely, you know, and the full moon is coming up so I...'' He trailed off, seeing the enraged faces of all the girls exept Alice. He wondered if maybe there was some sort of test Lily was putting him through. If it had been, well... He had a feeling he'd failed it.

''You did go to Remus', I know because I floo-ed him a minute ago, but why did you go there? The truth, this time.''

Sirius tried to save him, and James promised himself that he would buy his best friend that muggle motor thingy he'd been whining about wanting since fifth year. ''We were discussing the babe Lily, the sweet little prongslet.''

''Oh were you now?''

Sirius started to say something again, but the venomous looks Emmeline was giving him made him back off a few steps, so James answered instead.

''Yeah, we were.'' He nodded vigourously.

Lily leaned back in her chair, cool and collected. He still wasn't off the hook though, but it was Amelia who questioned him this time. Well, thank Merlin for small miracles.

''What were you discussing?'' He always startled at the sound of her voice, and now was no different. He couldn't help it, her voice was just so deep and husky, belonging more to a man than a woman.

''We were... Ah...''

''The names.'' Sirius jumped in, ''We were trying to decide on the names for the little bundle of poop and joy.''

''Well let's hear it, then.''

Sirius looked at him helplessly, and James blurted out the first thing he could think of. ''Hunter!''

''Hunter.'' Lily made a face, and so did the other women. James quickly jabbed his elbow in Sirius' gut, preventing him from piling some more shit onto the heap they were already in.

''Well, Lily-flower, maybe not Hunter, but something starting with an H? Haemon? Harlan?''

Sirius added his knut in, ''Hadar? Homam?''

James could see Lily face contorting, and he asolutely panicked. ''Hayden, Howard, Heath, Huxley?''

Her face was getting redder and redder, and he shared a frightened look with Padds.

''Harper, Hugo, Hector?''

''Hale, Hutchinson, Holden?''

''Harvey?''

And Lily bursted out laughing. She was giggling so hard there were tears trailing down her face, and all the other girls except Emma were rolling around in stitches as well.

''H-H-Harvey! Hah!''

Sirius appeared lost. James didn't blame him, he was just as confused, and it was his wife they were dealing with.

And then the worst immaginable horror happened. Lily's tears of laughter turned into tears of something else.

''Oh Jaaay..!'' She wailed. ''I was so scaaared! I told you and then you didn't say anything because you feinted and then you left and my mum had a lot of miscarriages before she had me and Tuney and I don't want our baby to die because I love it and you can't have a funeral for an unborn baby and my back keeps hurting and I'm so scaaared!'' She sobbed into his shirt, snot and tears soaking through the cotton and onto his skin.

''There, there.'' He patted her shoulder, decidedly uncomfortable.

He hadn't even considered the thought of Lily having a miscarriage, and he felt stupid for it. He knew all pureblood witches had problems concieving, and his own mother had no less than three miscarriages and two stillborn children before she had him. Then there was Atalanta, his baby sister, who died at only two months old when he was five.

He couldn't imagine his sweet Lily-pad going through something like that.

But it would be okay. They had money, and access to some of the best healers in the world. They would be fine and so would prongslet.

''Hey,'' He breathed into her ear, ''What do you think about Hadrian?''

She hiccuped, and gave him a watery smile. ''Yeah, but maybe it won't be a boy.''

''Of course it'll be a boy! Potters have been having boys for their firstborn children since forever! But maybe it'll be a girl after that.''

Lily's eyelids dropped a bit, and she murmured out, ''How 'bout Harry?''

She fell asleep, and James thought to himself for bit before deciding, ''Yeah, I think I like the sound of that.''

There was a pale Padfoot sitting on his kitchen counter when he came into it for a cup of tea, and he realized that quite a bit of time had passed since he came from Remus', and that the girls were gone.

Sirius was frantically running his hand through his hair, ''You okay, mate? What am I saying, course you're not. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't think-''

''I'm okay Padds. We'll be fine.''

''Yeah...'' Sirius echoed, ''We'll be fine.''

''Oh, and you're the godfather.'' James added casually.

''Yeah... Wait, what!?'' Padfoot's head whipped around so fast James could hear a crack. ''I can't wait to tell Remy and Wormy! Just think about it, Padfoot, prankster, seducer and godfather extraordiary...''

**So... thoughts?**

**I really like reviews. *hint, hint* **


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